I wanted to write today to finalize a years’ worth of contemplation. My natal chart is heavily influenced by air elements so one of my greatest challenges is physically writing my thoughts. For me, it takes a lot of energy to go back and make a written record of the wild things going through my mind. Although I know journaling is an important grounding technique for me, I still tend to back burner it. Not today Satan! I have much I need to do in order to root myself in this new year so here it goes.
I have a unique day job. My spirituality and personal experiences directly commingle with you, a collective of similarly minded people that I do not know from all over the world. I have let down all walls and welcomed the unknown. I create experiences through ritual, and I have made myself open and vulnerable in very personal ways.
Because of the nature of this “job” that I created, there is not much of a separation between the tools and my energy. I have infused the things I make with intention, charged them with my energy and blessed them with prayers from my knowing. I’ve touched it and am part of it.
But my story is my story and I want you to know it if you wish to. I often struggle with sharing on social media simply because its time consuming and exhausting for me to re-journal thoughts online. My follow-through isn’t that great, and I don’t like to be on demand all the time. Social media accounts require you to be active constantly in order to show up on people feeds so for me it’s a hard game of ball to keep up with.
I guess why I’m saying all of this is because I want you to know that I take you into consideration whenever I make life decisions, even if you don’t see it. I recognize my energy and actions have a direct connection to the experience you have when you work with the items I send and words you read. To balance, I also heavily consider how much I can give under my present circumstances, so I am not overwhelming myself. I’ve been struggling with this balance this past year.
Given that, I am on the cusp of a major life change. For some time know I didn’t really know what to do and was struggling with clarity. For those who don’t know, my mom passed away in a very traumatic and painful battle with cancer last year. Still reeling from that experience, a few months later I was asked to accept the burden of unplugging my estranged dad from life support. Then I had to put my 16-year-old dog to sleep. To say 2019 was hard is an understatement, but I’m processing. I’m ok. I’m good.
My mom’s legacy is at the center of everything life changing for me, and by association the rituals and energy I create for you. My mom was fierce. Everyone who knew her, admired her (all but one-her husband and I’ll get into that later) She was a staunch advocate for women and children and fought for family rights since the early 80’s. At work they nicknamed her “lightning” and “trouble” as a testament to her power, will and stellar ability to make things happen.
If you are interested enough to read this far then I will take you a little deeper to the heart of things.
In cleaning out some boxes from under her bed, I found this old spiral bound program “Healing the Cycle, batterers intervention program. This was the heart of her work, and probably not coincidentally the heart of mine. At just 59 when cancer took her, there was so much left undone. For us as women in this family and in our mother & daughter relationship- the cycle had not yet been fully discovered, let alone healed. I guess why that’s why they call it ripe old age, and why I feel we were robbed of the ripeness of our relationship, and even identity.
But, in death her life still gives. If not for being raised by a strong woman, I might not have been able to pick myself up and carry on like I am. If not for her ability to know exactly what she wanted and communicate precisely what she wanted me to know then I might not have it set in my mind to encourage it in myself and others.
I keep going back to this card I received after my mom’s death. It’s from the staff at the Marjoree Mason Center, a local domestic violence shelter that she worked with for many years. She was unable to finish her years or complete her work, yet she still managed to leave a legacy. Then I got to thinking, maybe the loss will be felt less in this family if I can somehow continue it.
She didn’t have it all figured out. She certainly didn’t do things conventionally or at the courtesy of others, but she did do it with grace. She was a true matriarch.
Fast forward. She separated and disinherited her husband from her will.
Instead of filing for a divorce after her husband’s relapse with alcohol resulted in several years of failed therapy and domestic abuse. They separated a short time after her diagnosis, and he moved into their cabin back in 2012. She decided to focus her energy on her battle with cancer. She maintained a positive attitude to survive her situation. In 2018 she filed for divorce but did not live long enough to see it finalized. It’s my problem now. I get to fight him in probate court as he contests the will where she disinherited him and makes salted accusations against her character. He wants to take ownership of the property she’s lived in and the farmstead she’s been building over the last 15 years.
Herein lies my dilemma. This property was her dream, manifested. Everything carefully curated, upcycled, built and landscaped to her liking. I can’t let it go to Jeff, so he has the pleasure of crushing it.
So, what’s a daughter to do? This has weighed heavily on my heart and mind for quite some time now. I’m faced with figuring out a way forward while preserving her memory and staying true to myself. I’m must go to litigation and fight for land ownership or I may never figure it out.
My idea is to work it out through the land, through this property itself. I envision creating a sanctuary of some form that honors my mom’s life and offers a source for healing for generations. There is a second house in the back of the property which I will be moving the shop into in a few months.
It’s a big undertaking and commitment that I need to fund. Since I have dramatically cut the volume of orders I take in every month, it’s also a commitment to start grieving less and doing more. But in May it will be a year. Its time to start doing something right?!
I don’t know, just getting this published today seems like a step forward. A commitment in writing that I haven’t allowed myself to whisper until now is worth something, I think.